Where Should We Begin? With Esther Perel

They find themselves at an erotic stalemate. Married for 20 years with four children, they have lost their way with each other. He wants it all the time, and she seems to want it never. Esther encourages them to create sexual invitations rather than nightly demands. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

They are new mothers after a long wait and they are both struggling in their roles at the same international organization. One can't seem to get out from under her father's shadow to maintain an agreeable relationship with her male bosses, and the other is just returning to work after staying at home to take care of their child--a role that she never quite wanted. Please take this survey to help us plan for the future: estherperel.com/survey  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This episode contains discussions of a sexual trauma. Please take care listening. This is the second part of a special two part conversation. Certain conversations stay with Esther long after the caller has hung up. And in this case, Esther wanted to follow up and go further with the young woman with the voice inside her head telling her to cheat on her partner. But this evil voice is not her own. It is that of her assailant in a form of trauma reenactment. Esther Callings are a one time, 45-60 minute interventional phone call with Esther. They are edited for time, clarity, and anonymity. If you have a question you would like to talk through with Esther, send a voice memo to producer@estherperel.com. Want to learn more? Receive monthly insights, musings, and recommendations to improve your relational intelligence via email from Esther: https://www.estherperel.com/newsletter Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This episode contains discussions of a sexual trauma. Please take care listening. A woman in a healthy and loving relationship talks to Esther about the fantasies she has of cheating on her partner. Together they delve into whether these are truly adulterous thoughts or if this voice in her head is connected to the unresolved shame and trauma from an earlier sexual assault. Esther Callings are a one time, 45-60 minute interventional phone call with Esther. They are edited for time, clarity, and anonymity. If you have a question you would like to talk through with Esther, send a voice memo to producer@estherperel.com. Want to learn more? Receive monthly insights, musings, and recommendations to improve your relational intelligence via email from Esther: https://www.estherperel.com/newsletter Please take this survey to help us plan for the future: estherperel.com/survey  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

For years she has been the breadwinner while he has felt like a failure at home raising their daughter. After he found a new career and subsequently, a new lease on life, this couple has been erotically invigorated unlike anything previously in their marriage. She has been freed from caretaking, while he has found another person who is special to him. They come to Esther's office to see if their two (now three) is sustainable. Please take this survey to help us plan for the future: estherperel.com/survey  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Esther speaks to a woman who seems to get to a certain place within a relationship and then they end it. In her words, she seems to keep finding herself in the friend zone. In her latest relationship, she felt he took advantage of her stability and support without sharing the same feelings. Leaving her believing that she was just his placeholder until something better came along. Esther Callings are a one-time, 45-60 minute interventional phone call with Esther. They are edited for time, clarity, and anonymity. If you have a question you would like to talk through with Esther, send a voice memo to producer@estherperel.com. Want to learn more? Receive monthly insights, musings, and recommendations to improve your relational intelligence via email from Esther: https://www.estherperel.com/newsletter Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Our friend Dan Harris hosts the Ten Percent Happier podcast. A skeptical journalist, Dan had a panic attack on live TV that sent him on a journey that led him to try something he otherwise wouldn't have considered: meditation. He went on to write the best-selling book, 10% Happier. The show features interviews with top scientists, celebrities and experts in the field of mindfulness. And Dan's approach is seemingly modest, but secretly radical: happiness is a skill you can train, just like working your bicep in the gym. Listen to more Ten Percent Happier with Dan Harris: https://open.spotify.com/show/1CfW319UkBMVhCXfei8huv Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Friendships are their own love stories. Our friends provide continuity in an ever-changing world. They accompany us through the trials and tribulations of lovers that come and go, job changes, family rifts, births, deaths, and recoveries. And in the case of Neil Patrick Harris it's his 50th birthday that has brought friends from all the corners of his life together- which as he tells Esther can bring with some anxiety too. In her new Apple Subscription Esther is joined by the actor and Tony Award winner Neil Patrick Harris for an intimate chat. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This is a classic session, from the first season of Where Should We Begin?. They’ve been together for more than a decade, but this isn’t the first time they’ve separated. Stuck in a cycle of explosive escalations, a husband and wife want to make it work but can’t break their habit of going for the emotional jugular. Esther encourages them to start their conversations differently. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

A woman comes to Esther with a question about how to move on from the pain that her parents have caused her. They’ve begun family therapy but she wonders if she can continue to have a relationship with her father when his opposing political beliefs directly impact her identity. Is it okay to sweep things under the rug for the sake of family? Esther Callings are a one time, 45-60 minute interventional phone call with Esther. They are edited for time, clarity, and anonymity. If you have a question you would like to talk through with Esther, send a voice memo to producer@estherperel.com. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Esther speaks to a man struggling to live a life he can enjoy. He feels wracked with guilt over a troubled history with his birth mother and her life of suffering. She was unable to raise him, but now she needs him to be there for her. He questions what he owes her for the life she gave him. Esther Callings are a one time, 45-60 minute interventional phone call with Esther. They are edited for time, clarity, and anonymity. If you have a question you would like to talk through with Esther, send a voice memo to producer@estherperel.com. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This is a classic session, from the first season of Where Should We Begin? A couple with two small children are at physical and emotional odds in their relationship. One has given herself over entirely to the children, while the other struggles to find her place within the family dynamic. She yearns for the physical closeness she once had with her wife, while the other is, as she puts it, “all touched out.” Esther encourages them to see their different roles as mutually beneficial and stresses the importance of “feeding the relationship” away from the children. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

After 20 years together, they wonder if their marriage has run its course? She is too unhappy to stay together and doubts if she ever felt true passion for him. He is holding onto the relationship for the both of them and refusing to truly hear her. Esther explores his desire for hope and her desire for change. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

How do you begin to define a new identity for yourself when you've left the comforts of the world you've known in search of a bigger life? This is what Esther helps a new mom of two figure out as she navigates a new country, new friendships and a new approach to big changes. How to not put the pressure of everything on your partner and try to build a community to support YOU. Esther Callings are a one time, 45-60 minute interventional phone call with Esther. They are edited for time, clarity, and anonymity. If you have a question you would like to talk through with Esther, send a voice memo to producer@estherperel.com. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

He was deployed to Fallujah, Iraq in 2004. In the 20 years since, he has struggled with PTSD and addiction. She has long taken on the role of his caregiver, ready to jump in when she senses the old traumas are rising. This has often meant sacrificing her own needs as an individual, partner, and lover. With Esther’s guidance they start the practice of re-orientating themselves away from a hyper-vigilant state, toward a more sensual partnership in which she too is taken care of. For additional resources on recovery after war, please see: The Hidden Trauma of Moral Injury- by Jack Saul (https://www.psychotherapynetworker.org/article/hidden-trauma-moral-injury) The Veterans Crisis Line - dial 988 and then press 1. Provides access to free, confidential support with an actual person qualified to support Veterans 24/7, 365 days a year. Serves Veterans, service members, National Guard and Reserve members, and those who support them. Department of Veterans Affairs - VA PTSD Program Locator- (https://www.va.gov/direc

This is a classic session, from the first season of Where Should We Begin? A new marriage and a young child—both are first-generation children of immigrants, bridging the divide between an American childhood and an Indian cultural heritage. The moment sex was no longer forbidden, it became deeply uninteresting for one of them. Is something bigger getting in their way? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

They're best friends and ER doctors at a small hospital. During the pandemic, they experienced a fracturing among their coworkers, who they once thought of as family. After one of them develops an autoimmune disease that renders her immunocompromised, she begins to wonder why her coworkers can't prioritize her safety. This episode was recorded after the Omicron wave in 2022 for Esther's podcast How's Work that explores conversations between colleagues, business partners, and peers. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

He fell in love with someone at work and left his wife. Fast forward a year, he's engaged and realizes he's made a mistake. Now he wants his wife and his life back—but even if she takes him back, he tells Esther he doesn't feel he deserves to be happy. Esther Callings are a one time, 45-60 minute interventional phone call with Esther. They are edited for time, clarity, and anonymity. If you have a question you would like to talk through with Esther, send a voice memo to producer@estherperel.com. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This is a classic session, from the first season of Where Should We Begin? A young family, a ten-year age difference, and a wife who used an extra-marital relationship to find independence. After an affair, the choice to forgive and rebuild doesn’t wipe away the pain and the betrayal. Esther guides this couple on their path towards reconciliation and trust a year after the discovery. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Esther talks to a woman who was passed over for a promotion, again. She straddles two cultures and finds that it is impacting her work and her personal life more than she realized. Esther Callings are a one time, 45-60 minute interventional phone call with Esther. They are edited for time, clarity, and anonymity. If you have a question you would like to talk through with Esther, send a voice memo to producer@estherperel.com. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices