Intentional Living With Tanya Hale

Many of us grew up in homes where we didn't receive any training about vulnerability in relationships.  We were fairly uneducated about emotions, and it has shown to be very detrimental in our marriage relationships.  My previous 24-year marriage struggled with a severe lack of vulnerability, and today we're talking about why that was such a problem and the difference vulnerability will make in your emotional intimacy.

Sometimes our relationships can get difficult, or if not difficult, a little stale.  In those times it can be hard not to check out and show up in a way that nourishes our relationship.  Today we're going to talk about eight ways that we can be a better partner in our marriage relationships, or in any relationship.  When we show up better, the relationship is always better.  And since the quality of our life depends mostly on the quality of our relationships, it's always helpful to give our relationships some solid TLC.

Sometimes in our relationships we find ourselves fighting a lot.  The fascinating part about this is that what we're fighting about, isn't really what the fight is about.  We may think it's about them being a side-seat driver when it's really about our insecurities about being thought of as not being good enough or being wrong.  When we can dig a little deeper into what's really going on, we can learn to have some meaningful and intimate discussions that create connection rather than fights that lead to disconnection.

Learning to step into our God-given sexuality is a necessary step to coming into a sense of self.  And having a strong sense of self is vital in being able to create the life we are capable of and develop the equal marriage relationships we desire.  In this episode, Jennifer Finlayson-Fife discusses how sexuality often manifests itself in middle-age and how we can learn to create a healthier sexual relationship in our relationship.

Living in alignment is a place where our thoughts and behaviors are aligned with our values.  Just because we are human we will get out of alignment, we will say and do things that hurt others, that break down trust, or that don't exemplify our religious beliefs.  Learning to offer ourselves grace in these times and then understanding how to get back into alignment will heal our hearts and our relationships.

I work with a lot of clients who don't feel they are equally yoked with their partner, meaning, they don't feel they are both 'all in' or even in at the same level, and yet they want to stay in the relationship.  When this is the case, resentment and frustration will begin to take over our relationship and things start to break down and make it more and more difficult to stay.  In this podcast we are talking about how we can work with what we have to create the best possible relationship and a fulfilling life as well.

My journey to become a life coach started when I was a teenager, and became a reality about the time I got divorced.  The tools I teach have been instrumental in me learning to get out of divorce victim mode and begin to take responsibility for my life.  The tools I teach have deepened my relationship with my children, my husband, and God.  In this podcast I share a bit about my life coaching journey and how it has impacted my life in ways I could have never imagined and brought more joy than maybe people should be allowed to feel.  And I may have cried a few times while recording. . .  

Thinking that our spouse is our responsibility can cause a few different problems in our relationship.  First, we can overstep boundaries when we, with every good intention, try to be responsible (take control) of their thoughts, feelings, and actions.  It's more common that we realize and very subtle.  Second, when we start thinking of our spouse as a responsibility rather than a choice, a person we choose to be in relationship with.  This week we are talking about how and why these ideas about spousal responsibility will strain your relationship.  

I often hear people use phrases like, 'I hate change', or 'I don't like change', or 'I'm not good at change.'  And though these may seem like helpful phrases to express our discomfort with change, they are actually making the change more difficult for us.  To complicate these types of phrases, using them also distracts us from the actual feeling we are having and begins to create disconnection in our relationships.  Let's talk about it.

So many of us were raised with ideas about what it meant to be a 'good' wife, mother, daughter, sister, or friend.  And we now use these ideas to beat ourselves up when we don't measure up.  What if I were to tell you that being that 'good' person you aspire to be is actually unattainable?  What if I could show you how you step into a version of 'good' that really does feel good, genuine, and authentic?  Well, you're in luck!  Let's talk about how to really believe you're good enough.

All of have times when our behavior doesn't match up with who we really want to be.  That's part of being human.  Understanding why we, and others, don't always behave our best is a great way to create greater compassion and grace for ourseves and those around us.  And when we interact with more compassion and grace, we have better relationships.

Many of us were impacted by the Book The 5 Love Languages in our earlier years.  For me, I was impacted negatively because I used the concepts as a weapon against my spouse, a way to prove he wasn't doing it right.  In reality, focusing in on how he was or wasn't loving me was the problem.  The solution?  Learn to focus on the law of love, the commandment to love and learn to love better, rather than the non-commandment of receiving love from others.  Love isn't the reward, love is the law.

Learning how to stay in our own lane can be tricky because it is often disguised as love and wanting to help.  And yet, when we try to control other people's thoughts or feelings, when we try to control their decisions and outcomes, we are veering into their lane.  So, how do we recognize and become more aware of when we're getting in other people's lanes?  And how do we learn to stay in our own lane?  Let's talk about it.  

So many of us are miserable in partnerships because we feel unseen and unheard.  We feel that our wants and needs are not considered and that our worth depends on how well we fulfill the wants and needs of others, especially our partner.  And yet, the true connection and intimacy we so deeply desire will never be available to us until we step into equal partnership with them, and that starts with us becoming an equal partner.

I am often asked what the difference is between people pleasing and being kind.  It's a great question because often the behavior will look exactly the same.  The difference lies in our motives behind the behaviors.  Are we engaging from a place of fear and trying to control the other person's feelings or behaviors in some way, or are we engaging from a place of love and choosing to show up the way we want to?  When we can learn to tune into our own motivations, we can clean up our engagements with others and reduce the people pleasing behaviors that destroy our relationships with others and ourselves.

The phrase 'I'm fine' can be so destructive to our relationships.  Often we use it to deflect having a tough conversation, but what we're really doing is lying and gaslighting.  What we are really doing is burying our thoughts and feelings and letting them fester until we've got a lot of resentment brewing inside of us.  Let's talk about how to stop being fine and start being honest.

Our tendency as humans to have a drama response to situations is so normal.  But not helpful.  Dropping into drama expends a lot of energy, causes us to show up in ways we're not proud of later, and often damages relationships.  In this podcast I share four ways to recognize when we're having a drama response and keep from going there.

'Should' is a word that is used way more in our conversations than it 'should' be.  It's a passive-aggressive word that pulls our judgment and lack of acceptance into a nice little bundle that says, 'you're not doing it right,' and 'you're not good enough,' even though it sounds much softer and seemingly kinder.  But it's still destructive to our relationships, both with others and with ourselves.  Learning to clean up the 'shoulds' from your conversation will help you show up with more kindness and compassion and stop heaping shame onto others.

There are things in life that happen to us that are not our fault.  For example, our spouse may have an affair and want a divorce.  To stay out of victim mentality, it's important that we step into responsibility for our situations in life.  But how do we take responsibility when it really isn't our fault?  When what we're going through is because of someone else's choices?  

Another blast from the past!  I love this episode so much, it's a replay of episode #195, What Are You Sorry For?  'I'm sorry' is probably one of the most used phrases by women in our society.  We have been conditioned to use this phrase not just when we have done something hurtful or wrong, but very often even when we are just taking up space as a human.  Today we're going to take a closer look at why it's important to stop apologizing for being a breathing human and how to acknowledge our space in the world with more gratitude and grace.