Coming Up For Air - Families Speak To Families About Addiction

Kathleen Cochran is a founder of Heart of a Warrior Woman and Facebook group Moms for All Paths to Recovery (MAP), places for mothers of children struggling with substance use disorder. Cochran practices harm reduction and supports individualized paths to recovery. Hear more about her story.

A listener writes in to ask what to do when there's only 15 minutes a day to talk to a loved one. How do you use that limited time? If they're using, you have to focus on the brief moments when you find they aren't, and be very specific in your requests so that they're do-able. If they aren't using, be patient, invite them to do things in a low-stakes way, and don't push conversation beyond the immediate.

Working with people who aren’t yet on-board with CRAFT? Learn the tools, and engage with the site, the podcast, and the groups. Put it into practice, even if you’re doing so alone. Look for chances to show the material to someone who’s reluctant – teaching the tools will mean you learn more thoroughly yourself. There are two big benefits to solo action. Primarily, your loved one might get into treatment. But regardless, you’ll feel more connected to them. If you use these tools with everyone, it will lead to more connection there, too. Your work will pay off.

Our hosts examine two questions raised by last week's "functional analysis" episode: how do I know when my loved one is using? And what if they're using all the time? It's behaviors that matter more than whether you're exactly right -- learn to practice close observation, step forward when it feels good and they're doing well, and step back when something feels bad or off. It's a learning process, so don't expect to be perfect immediately.

The “functional analysis” of Module 3 is a powerful tool that helps you examine what happens around times of use, and move from reacting unconsciously to gaining a fuller understanding that allows for concious choices. So stop, take the time to go through this process, and think about incremental shifts. And it’s important to do it again later, when there’s been time for behavior to change over time.

Behavioral health trainer and consultant in Evidence Based Practices, Cultural Considerations, and Ethical Issues Brian Serna has taken CRAFT's practical applications quite far. He visits the Coming Up for AIR team to discuss his work with families and others in New Mexico, as well as his advocacy work to change how CRAFT receives funding. Serna focuses on making CRAFT an everyday practice, and how working on yourself can help your loved one's trajectory change over time.

For CRAFT to work, you have to be physically safe. Here's how you prepare yourself. Avoid denial; have an exit plan; learn to see red flags and de-escalate. Don't skip Allies' Module 2 -- it's essential.

Try OARS to help you communicate. Kayla and Laurie discuss the three Os (offering to help, open-ended questions, owning your own part), plus A (affirmation), R (reflective listening), and S (sandwiching).

How do you hold tough conversations? Be careful with your timing; have a plan; stay calm. CRAFT can help you learn the signs of your loved one being receptive, and give you the skills to communicate effectively in less-than-ideal circumstances. Kayla and Laurie offer the details.

Reflective listening involves two simultaneous mindsets -- you're listening, and at the same time reflecting whatever your loved one says. Our hosts weigh in on good strategies for dealing with the difficulty of inhabiting those simultaneous mindsets, including curiosity, interest, and separation.

PIUS is an acronym to help you communicate in tough moments. It stands for "positive statements," "I statements," "understanding statements," and "short, specific statements." Our hosts talk about what all that means and how you can implement it.

Christina Dent, founder of drug policy advocacy nonprofit End It For Good, discusses her voyage as a foster mom who'd never seen addiction up-close. The experiences she gained through fostering led her to dramatically rethink her stance on drugs and the criminal justice system.

Triggers – when something pulls you back into your past, into old physiological reactions and emotions – happen to all of us. Becoming resilient means not avoiding them or pushing them aside, but digging in to repair yourself. If you’re not wounding others, you stop the cycle of wounding and become a healer of yourself and others in an indirect way, through connection and care.

How do accumulated negative feelings and trauma impact you and your relationship with your loved one? How do you get past them, to a better place? In part, it's about breaking the contract of the usual interactions and cycles -- learn to step back, re-assess, and let our loved ones handle things without so much of our intervening. Kayla and Dominique discuss how that can be done.

Ever felt baffled or enraged by communicating with a loved one? Check out this popular episode from 2021, hosted by Isabel Cooney, Laurie MacDougall, and Kayla Solomon. What is "reflective listening?" How does it work? What are the benefits for you, and the person you're listening to? And why does Kayla believe in it so much that she'd use it if someone were pointing a gun at her?

Burnout happens when you've got nothing left in the tank. When you're the superhero "yes person," it can happen easily, bringing fatigue and anxiety. When it does, you have one job: take a real, significant break to refill your tank in whatever way works best for you. Start by saying no, giving yourself room to rest.

When you have expectations about someone else’s behavior, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. If you’re focused on yourself, you get to avoid that disappointment – you get to have agency, think about what your values are and who you want to be, then act accordingly. How do you engage with your loved one and have a more positive relationship, one in which they feel you’re someone to trust? When you work on having good boundaries and not overstepping them, the outcome can be beautiful for the other person. Even small manifestations of positive movement in the relationship are worth celebrating.

A listener asks if her comment, meant to be positive, made her loved one drink. It’s dangerous to refer to someone’s status of using or not. Even if you’re trying to acknowledge them in a positive way, you can’t know what they’re thinking or feeling, and what might make them feel acknowledged or send them into feeling bad. How do you limit your talk to yourself in these circumstances? Focus on what you know – “I’m doing well; I’m feeling connected; I’m working on myself.” This avoids linking your happiness to their actions.

A listener asks how to acknowledge a loved one's use without accusation or denial. How can you be assertive without engaging in the same old patterns and conversations? It's about avoiding reactivity and regulating your system, planning your communication in advance. Aggression and passivity are products of reactivity. Aim for the middle ground of stating the facts and speaking from a calm place, which gives you more power -- over yourself, over your emotions, and over your interactions. You are yourself a tool for behavior change -- stepping out to create discomfort, and stepping in to give support and encouragement when things are good.

What sets CRAFT apart? It focuses on gaining awareness of your own behavior and reactivity, and equips you with the tools to do it. Simultaneously, you learn to notice what works for your loved one and to make healthy, positive choices that can create change in time.