Coming Up For Air - Families Speak To Families About Addiction

You've got tools -- active listening, being curious and open -- so when your loved one expresses what they would like, or feels they can't continue as they are, you're ready. In those moments of "wishes and dips," you can gently move forward, listening to them and having resources ready, for now or whenever they're ready. It's a main tenet of CRAFT -- noticing the openings. It's also a practice -- something to stay with over time, so you have a chance to be received.

The rest of our interview with Jaclyn Brown, a podcast host and voice  for advocacy. In part 1, she discussed losing her brother to addiction.  In part 2, she discusses the aftermath, and what she does to create  space in her own life for her ongoing grief.

Guest Jaclyn Brown tells the story of her painful voyage through losing her brother to addiction. She's now a podcast host and a voice for advocacy.

Stigma is a story someone makes up about a situation. CRAFT provides a framework, and helps you take the story apart and change it, consciously addressing situations and moving forward with eyes open. Stigma takes power away, but making conscious choices brings your power back.

Your thoughts have power. Anxiety is a thought process. The tools you need are shifting negative thinking to positive, and emanating that positivity. Both are essential to CRAFT. Kayla and Laurie discuss how to handle negative thinking, and why it’s important to do so.

Times of crisis and conflict may seem like the worst times to practice self-care -- yet in those moments, taking care of yourself is key to CRAFT. The more you learn to increase your awareness of yourself and your reaction, the more you can successfully use CRAFT tools. If what you want to happen in those times involves your loved one's actions, it's not likely to be successful. Changing your actions and reactions, however, alters the environment and creates the possibility of change.

How do you communicate when you see problematic behavior? The key is  intention: observing behavior, and pointing it out calmly and thoughtfully. The idea is to briefly and specifically tell your loved one how the behavior impacts you, then step back without expectation of  an outcome, and give them the dignity of processing what you've said.  Over time, this CRAFT tool can lead to long-term change.

"Sectioning," or using the courts to force your loved one into treatment, is an extreme tool, and not optimal. It conflicts with some of the pillars of the CRAFT method, but it's also sometimes unavoidable. Use the CRAFT skills to understand when danger is acute, and enough to warrant sectioning.

Kayla and Laurie discuss short-term vs. long-term change -- start by working on one change in yourself rather than in your loved one, like focusing on your thought process, choosing to trust and step back, giving your loved one the chance to make decisions. This gives both of you the tools for slower, but more effective long-term change -- think of erosion, not a tsunami.

Laurie and Kayla discuss asking questions that create space for your loved one rather than hemming them in. We may have brilliant ideas about what someone should do, and want to share. The skills we need, however, are openness and a willingness to hear the other person and provide space and opportunity for them to process. Back up, don't interrupt, and let your loved one talk without offering your feedback.

You can help your loved one make decisions by creating a safe space -- by listening, being genuinely interested in their perspective, being non-judgmental, and allowing them to slow things down to examine their own thinking. Avoid trying to fix things yourself, and assume that they're wise enough to know what they need. Your role is to help them make their own choices.

How do you take care of yourself when there's a crisis with your loved  one? It's a process of changing how you think about yourself and your  role in the dynamic. If you can change how you think -- even for small  parts of the day -- it changes the dynamic with your loved one, allowing  them the freedom to look at themselves, and not just worry about how  they impact you. Laurie and Kayla share tips.

In all our interactions with our loved one, it's important to be open  to conversation, and seek a way to be collaborative rather than making  demands. Our hosts discuss two listener questions, one about a partner  who wants a debit card back, and another about a friend who's picking  someone up from prison and wants to help continue their seeking of  sobriety.

Motivation drives change. How do you find motivation to change your part of the dynamic, and allow time and space for the process to unfold? It's okay to sometimes feel like maybe things aren't working, then get back on track. If you don't know how to change, Allies in Recovery offers a toolbox. As long as you stay interested and use the tools, things can change.

Radical acceptance involves understanding that much of what happens is out of your control, and using strategies to calm, distract, and soothe yourself. The goal is to avoid catastrophizing -- envisioning and preparing for the worst outcomes. Radical acceptance means letting go of what you can't control, experiencing feelings and pain, but without increasing agitation, reactivity, and suffering.

If your loved one uses multiple substances, use the "functional analysis" to understand which substance to focus on first. Start small, by changing your own behavior in response to your loved one's use. Aim to shift over time. Study CRAFT modules 3, 5, and 6 closely to help make your plans.

After any treatment, when someone is in early recovery, check your  expectations. Your loved one is likely in a fragile state,  uncomfortable, edgy, body wrecked after dependency, and disregulated  physically and emotionally. It's a time of transition, so have realistic  expectations. Be gentle, caring, and connected, not an inquisitor.  Connection is key.

It's smart to avoid giving unsolicited advice. If you receive it, hold  your ground, knowing that you're dedicated to upholding the CRAFT model.  Consider telling the advice-giver to look into CRAFT to understand what  you're doing.

Guest Meme English, a former family therapist and consultant in the legal system, discusses family dynamics with hosts Kayla and Laurie. When it comes to substance use, family dynamics are complicated. There are many layers of trauma, from generational to personal, and competing  needs among family members. Balancing all these factors and personal  situations means deciding whose needs get most clearly met. Trauma  therapy also requires time and commitment, and is harder to find since the pandemic.

Our hosts look at shame and negative thinking and discuss ways to slow  down, gain awareness, and soothe your system. They focus on the  essential tool of empathy -- especially for yourself -- as a way to  understand what story you’re making up, and change that story by looking  for the positive even in difficult moments.