Coming Up For Air - Families Speak To Families About Addiction

What goes around, comes around. Kenny, Bridget, and Elizabeth share some of their all-time favorite Coming Up for Air episodes and explain what was so impactful about them.Our Families Speak cohosts came to Allies in Recovery as family members looking for help with shifting the dynamic with an addicted Loved One. Like you, they discovered the Coming Up for Air podcast and started exploring the rich collection of episodes. These family members have gotten so fluent with the CRAFT method and the Allies site that they are guiding other families toward lasting change and deep relief. Tune in for your weekly dose of wisdom, skills-building and humility with the Fabulous Families Speak team.One Families Speak family member recently referred to Allies in Recovery as “the Bible of Healing Ourselves.” Visit alliesinrecovery.net today and see why.

Kayla checks in with Annie Highwater, a regular contributor to our blog, about ways that CRAFT and Allies in Recovery's member site have changed her as a person.Is your Loved One struggling with addiction? Allies in Recovery’s online program can help. You’ll learn a powerful, evidence-based approach to improve your wellbeing and that of other family members. Allies in Recovery provides the strategy, words, and actions a family needs to successfully move their Loved One with addiction toward stopping substance misuse/addiction.   Allies in Recovery also teaches families to navigate the world of addiction and recovery, including working towards engaging a Loved One into care and treatment. The program trains families to be effective participants in the journey to wellness for a Loved One with addiction. Let's get you on the road to becoming an ally! Visit alliesinrecovery.netTo learn more about Annie Highwater, you can check her out on FB, listen to her podcast "The Unhooked Podcast", or chec

Money is already such a huge issue for almost everyone, before you even add Substance Use Disorder (SUD) into the mix! Things get exponentially more complex when it's your loved one with addiction issues asking for money. Whether it's "just 20 dollars" or rent for an apartment, families often experience the feeling of being hostage to their fear for their loved one. Giving your loved one money can play into that dynamic. Our hosts share their stance re: money before finding CRAFT, and what changed (for the better!) once they were using the CRAFT toolkit that we teach at Allies in Recovery. A fascinating conversation that brings helpful perspectives for the sticky issue of money.

In part 2 of 2, Isabel, Kayla, and their co-hosts -- family members with direct experience -- discuss their favorite tools and tips they've picked up from working with the CRAFT method through Allies in Recovery.

Isabel, Kayla, and co-hosts with direct experience discuss their favorite tools and tips they've picked up from working with the CRAFT method through Allies in Recovery. Part 1 of 2.

If you have an addicted loved one, chances are you're all too familiar with "hyper-arousal" or "survival mode." As Emily explains with brio, this state is meant to serve us when there's danger, then pass. What does it look like when we're chronically in this mode? Physical and mental/emotional signs are there and can serve as signposts, Emily explains, indicating we're heading down a certain path. Awareness is KEY in being able to begin the process of observing, naming what's happening, then (once the actual crisis has subsided) gathering tools and rehearsing a response for the next time. At AlliesinRecovery.net we train, guide and support families using the CRAFT method. Self-care is a cornerstone, for so many reasons, but many of us need to learn it from scratch. Visit alliesinrecovery.net to learn more about membership. To learn more about Emily Cooney, and her coaching offerings, visit emilycooney.com or @goldfinch_wellness

Sometimes, our loved ones' situations call for incredibly difficult decisions. Co-host Hazel shares a recent high-stakes moment that felt like a necessary betrayal.

When there's substance use disorder and mental health diagnoses, what do you do? Can you use CRAFT? Yes, most of the time you can, unless the mental health issues make you or them unsafe. Co-host Bridget offers a central point: with this difficult combo, think of what is, not "what if."

How do you deal with having hard feelings around your loved one's substance use? Kayla, Carolyn, Bridget, Elizabeth, and Kenny discuss their experiences and feelings of anxiety, frustration, and fear and their tools for handling the situation.

Kayla and Isabel discuss the complications of reward in the context of a partner relationship. How does it affect time with children? How about intimacy?

Kayla and Isabel discuss the challenges of early recovery. What are realistic expectations to have of our loved ones in this period? What can we do as a family member to support them and, importantly, to keep ourselves in check? It's helpful to know what "early recovery" means -- there's a spectrum that goes from complete abstinence to harm reduction (using less). Recovery in the largest sense is engaging in a process to heal.

Oy, the holidays. It can be a time full of triggers, for our loved one with substance use disorder, but also for the family member. It's also a time where we can get disconcerting questions about our how our loved ones have been doing. Three family members join Kayla to share wisdom and experiences around the holidays, from answering questions about how loved ones are doing to creating new traditions in lieu of old ones. Maintaining connections—with boundaries and without enmeshment—is an important part of the work. When ties are blurry, it's harmful to your loved one. It can make them feel guilt and shame about what they're doing to you. One of the first aspects of CRAFT work is addressing separation and connection. Learn the CRAFT method with AlliesinRecovery.net's learning modules. Affordable plans for families. Some US States sponsor your membership. A membership gives you access to hundreds of blog posts written on specific family situations. Access to support and skills groups. A community of other

It’s incredibly hard to have a loved one who’s experiencing homelessness. Our hosts—Hazel, Kevin, and Greer—join Kayla Solomon to discuss their experiences with their loved ones and offer hard-won advice. They say it’s important to try to create an environment of openness, connection, and availability—up to a point. But it’s also important to have boundaries. If you’re not giving advice or intervening in ways your loved one is not asking for, they get the life experience of their choices, but they also have loving connections available. When they’re ready, you’re ready to help them with a list of resources.

If we're doing too much for our loved ones with substance use disorder, we'll never truly know how capable they are. We need to step back to see their capability and witness their choices, realizing that they have their own motivations and values. CRAFT is about creating a strong connection without necessarily doing things for them. This is a process, one which respects the other person. Do the things that feel right, but not if you're stepping over a line. You may try and fail, or need to apologize and take resposibility. You can change your actions, do things and also, importantly, not do things.

Recovery is progress, not perfection, and it doesn’t look the same for everyone. It can be easy to impose expectations of your own onto your loved one. But as you ease up on expectation, you’re taking the pressure off your loved one, allowing them space to try things and just see how it goes. Sometimes mistakes are learning moments. If we can change our expectation and the perception of what we’re seeing, noticing and acknowledging the positive, acknowledging our own feelings, we give them space to grow and we can learn more about what growth looks like from their perspective. Changing yourself makes room for your loved one to change as well.

It's easy to feel like you have to be perfect with CRAFT, perfect with your loved one to be successful. But perfectionism gets in the way of connection. It can blind us, keep us from seeing our loved one fully. Acknowledging things not going the way you wanted, taking responsibility for behavior that doesn’t work--that’s part of the connection, and the healing part of the process. If your loved one feels connection and love, that’s the beginning of treatment.

What you don’t do – like get caught up in being a superhero, or telling our loved ones what they “should do” – can help your relationships emerge as partnerships. If we develop good relationships, we have power. If we have the capacity to change, we have power. If we have awareness, we can make choices, and that gives us power, too. If we are what can change, them making changes in ourselves can have a huge impact on those around us.

Self-care is a pillar of CRAFT; helping yourself is essential to helping your loved one. A lot of CRAFT focuses on a parent trying to help an adult child, so how do we shift things in a partner relationship so we're able to play the starring role in our own lives? Is there room to focus on ourselves when our loved one is not showing up in the relationship, family, or household?

When your partner suffers from Substance Use Disorder, what are realistic expectations in your relationship? Are your expectations setting you up for frustration? Which of your needs can you meet for yourself? Kayla Solomon and Isabel Cooney explore the often sticky nature of partnership when SUD is involved.

A listener writes that she wonders about staying with her husband, who struggles with alcohol but hasn't responded to CRAFT thus far. Would leaving him constitute "natural consequences?" Isabel Cooney and Kayla Solomon examine this important question. Kayla, an IMAGO couples therapist, explains the dynamic of pursuer vs. avoider—which are you with your loved one?