Professional Contestants

*stumbles out of a cave squinting into the light of day* How long has it been? What year is it?? The new Pope is from Chicago?!?! Wow, we sure have a lot to catch up on, but lets start with the most important thing. Game shows have somehow found yet another way to confuse and dissapoint us. Just when we think we have seen it all, Mr. Beast - the modern day equivilant of a wealthy emperor who throws money at the poor for his amusement - has created a game show where he basically throws money at the poor for his amusement. It's time to force ourselves to learn about Gen Z's favorite exploitative stunt based content creator, and find a way to exploit his game show for our own gain. Zach has proudly never seen Squid Game, Jared insists that satire is dead, and Adam wants the new pope to eat a sloppy hot dog. Talking Points Include: Our Longest Unintentional Break, New Chicago Pope, Who Knows Most About Mr. Beast, No Bathroom Breaks, Take the 4th Bribe, Beast Crust, Carl Knows Nothing

We've been doing a lot of newer, shinier, well polished game shows lately. Now depending on who you ask, that could be a good thing or a bad thing. Sure, modern day streaming services offer a sort of quality guarantee with the programs they include - but only on YouTube will you be able to find a VHS quality recording of Ahmad Rashad and a Roman Centurion hosting a word jumble themed game show at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas. So now that we know that that existed, there's nothing left for us to do but rob them blind. Zach does a live word jumble, Jared rekindles our old obsession, and Adam is marveled by slot machine themes. Talking Points Include: Big Dog Fever, Pine Wood Derby, Iditarod Wishes, Centurion of the Week, Ziggy Game Show, Jurassic Park Slots, Dino Racing, Rejected Addams Family Names, Casino Martial Law

Hello dear listeners! We're back after a longer than usual holiday hiatus, and this episode you're in for a real treat. Oh, no it isn't a good game show. Statistically those don't actually exist. No, this episode we are going to rage out on the set of beloved sitcom Friends and break everything in Monica's apartment. Isn't that just such a better idea than actually trying to win this game show? We think so too. Zach met himself from the future, Jared soft launches a new segment about local goverenment, and Adam asserts that there are statistically zero good game shows. Talking Points Include: Santa's Vacation Schedule, Municipal Roundup, The Adam Experience, Gunter Took Our Jobs, Joey is The Frasier of Friends, Squatters Rights in Monica's Apartment, The Bazinga Boys

Happy Holiday everyone! We truly hope that you and the friends and family that you spend this time of the year with are happy and healthy - celebrating the true meaning of the holidays. But maybe you are not... Maybe you're celebrating with someone who has lost sight of the reason for the season. Someone who needs their statis quo disrupted in order to appreciate what they really have. If that's the case, you better watch out, because there's a new holiday icon in town. A real, tangible pig who would love nothing more than to absolutely decimate your misguided holiday celebration. Keep an eye out for slop on your stoop - for it heralds the coming of the one and only Yule Hog. Zach misunderstands the vampires' curse, Jared introduces a new original holiday character, and Adam reasserts his jaded view on fireworks. Talking Points Include: A Personal Jacob Marley, Polar Bear Self Defense, Slop on the Stoop, Pandemic Vibes, Angry Birds Game Show, 1/4 of July, Dracula Can't Have Cheese, Christmas Rocket Applicatio

Well folks, we've once again gone straight from Snake Day into the winter holiday celebrations, but thats just how the holiday calander shakes out sometimes. But let's not let that proximity get in the way of us fully diving into the holiday season with the most sickeningly Christmas steeped game show we may have ever done. Thats right, a Christmas themed competition game show produced BY Hallmark, FOR the Hallmark channel, with the prize being a STARING ROLL in a Hallmark Christmas movie. If you weren't in the Christmas spirit before, you best bet your baubles that you're about to be! Zach becomes Quasimodo, Jared lives truthfully under imaginary circumstances, and Adam leans into living alone. Talking Points Include: Our Most Popular Topic, The Harry Potter Attractiveness Scale, No Skinny Hagrids, The Eddie Episodes, Nothing but a Guitar, Ten of One Man, Yet Another Barbra Jean Appearance, An Intense Feedback Loop, Finding our Ember of Interest, Is it Cookie?

It may be because we have had to watch seven of these movies, seven years in a row. It may be because we put it off for so long that we had to watch it during Thanksgiving instead of in October. It may just be the way the series goes. But this may truly have been the worst Saw movie we have experienced so far. Not only that, but at this point the traps are so avoidable we don't even have to spend much time strategizing. That way we have more time to misremember the plots of all the previous movies and complain about how we hate the one we just watched. And isn't that really what you come here for? Zach predicts Scrooge will be involved, Jared predicts piranhas will be involved, and Adam isn't allowed to predict because he's seen the movie already. Talking Points Include: Toad vs Cartman vs Jay Leno, An Extremely Late Snake Day Celebration, Jokes We Could Have Told, Attempting to Remember Saw Lore, Story and Trap Predictions, Cary Elwes' Lawsuit, A Clumsy Recap, Tobin Bell the Cool Teen, The True Alpha Male, J

Welcome back to another installment in our Snake With Big Teeth 2024 celebration. This time we watched a game show where literally nothing happens. Like, truly... nothing. So get ready for an episode that is half discussing the extended universe of Sonic the Hedgehog and half discussing Shakespeare's timeless classic Hamlet. Do we blur the lines between those two worlds? You'll have to listen to find out! (But I mean, yeah. Of course we do.) Zach liked Ghost Whisperer for the plot, Jared adds a new Haunted House Rule™, and Adam is definitely Tails. Talking Points Include: What Happened To Knuckles, Halloween Costumes, Fifteen Minutes of Silence, Top Ghost Complaints, Return of Jared's Haunted House Rules, All of Les Mis, A Chance to Shoot Our Spec Script, It Can't Be Happy's Place, Hamlet Live Commentary

The Traitors - It's a hit new reality game show. Not just that, at it's core it is a classic party game we have all played. Call it mafia, call it werewolf - everyone knows it and everyone thinks they're good at it. But what have people forgotten? That's right, the classic 1997 film Mouse Hunt. Against all odds that mouse comes out on top, and when everyone else forgets, we harvest top notch strategy to implement at Alan Cumming's stately Scottish castle. Zach has new finger bling, Jared still really wants to celebrate the solstices, and Adam is angry about reality stars. Talking Points Include: The Wedding Finger, Fighting Frollo, Snake With Big Teeth, How Many Saws are Left, The Oldest Party Game, Yearning for a Thick Werewolf, The Don't Ask Don't Tell Strategy, The Mouse Hunt Strategy, Dentist Cam

Sometimes game shows are just easy to cheat at. Like, truly so easy that it would be more difficult to not do so. Like, I'm serious guys, there would be absolutely no chance that anyone invovled in the game show would be able to catch us, let alone prove that we had cheated. This one's an absolute gimmie. But dammit if we're not gonna basically ignore that fact entirely and come up with a convoluted way of getting Santa to pose as our dad instead. Zach insists he knows intimite secrets about Santa, Jared lets us into his mind palace, and Adam has an encounter that leaves him a changed man. Talking Points Include: An Endorsement From Young Sheldon, Bachelor Party Recap, Spike TV's Dark Desires, Defining a Band, Dissapointing Informed Delivery, Smokey The Slut, An Inception Break, Santa X FDR, Mr. The Penguin, Jared's Mind Bench

There are numerous ways we could approach a game show where we have to run around searching for illustrations of wacky characters. We could create a bunch of our own illustrations and sneak them into the lineup. We could mark the answers with invisible ink you can only see under a blacklight. Hell, we could just study with flashcards. But don't work, Zach is just gonna win this one for us. Haven't you heard? He's really good at finding things. Just trust him. Zach is an older 29, Jared is the oldest 29 , and Adam is the youngest 29. Talking Points Include: The Oldest Age There Is, Snowden vs Assange, The Anatomy of Slimer, The Coolest Names, A 31 Year Old 17 Year Old, S**t Mysteries, The Principals' Punishment, Our New OCs, Adult Scavenger Hunts

There are two things we've learned from the sales of modern art in recent years. The first is a piece of art is only as valuable as the amount a buyer is willing to pay for it. The second is if someone takes a bite out of the art it's value skyrockets. With that knowledge - we're about to make one lucky 8 year old an extremely sought after artist. Zach thinks modern kids are just little adults, Jared has thoughts about The Emperor's New Clothes, and Adam searches for a game show that will make him feel. Talking Points Include: Reba's Return to TV, PewDiePie the Kaiju, TaterTot vs Young Sheldon, Summer of Summers, Guernica Cake, Kids Know Broccoli, Naming Mythical Creatures, Benefits of Eating Gold, The President's New Clothes, Art Stunts

Maybe it's because we're busy and our minds are cluttered. Maybe it's because we haven't recorded in a while and we're out of practice. Maybe it's because this game really is just that basic and easy and doesn't deserve our full brand of shenanigans. Regardless, this one we're just gonna win. No real plan necessary. Now let's get back to pitching our brand new talk show to Game Show Network - sponsored by FanDuel, ChapStick, and Hot Tubs. Zach uses chapstick in a unique way, Jared wants Optimus Prime to go solo, and Adam gets way too hung up on thumbs. Talking Points Include: This Story Has a Story, Zach's New Audio-Ruining Prop, The Gold Bond Challenge, Wiping East to West, Timothy Goggins, Our GSN Talk Show Pitch, Holographic Performers, Ryan Hospital, Show Me Your Thumbs

On a modern game show it can be easy to become distracted by all the sleek prizes, the flashy gimmicks, and the sometimes charismatic hosts. This time we can't let those distractions deter us. Sure, we could maybe make it out of this one with a bunch of money and prizes to take home, but the real prize is hidden in plain sight - on a flash drive hanging around Damon Wayans Jr's neck. Thats right, Scary Movie 7. The world needs to see it. Zach took a vacation for the first time ever, Jared thinks we've become jaded, and Adam has an amazing record as a matchmaker. Talking Points Include: ProCo Vacation, Bergeron Boys, A Bone Saw Type Antagonist, Secrets of Nic Cage's Haunted House, Suits Clips, Bartering at Safelife, At Home Services, The Whole World's The Cage, Scary Movie 7

Blake Shelton is out here making a game show that is basically a commercial for his Nashville bar, where the booze is always flowing and the vibes are great. Well the Professional Contestants are gonna call you on that one, Blake. Be careful what you wish for because by the time we're done, your bar is gonna look like the aftermath of a Project X and your comically large medals will be nowhere to be seen. Zach's favorite bar game is "Get double crossed by that scary guy in the cave," Jared's favorite bar game is "Fake your death and show up at your own funeral," and Adam's favorite bar game is "Carry Madame Zeroni up the mountain." Talking Points Include: Road House '24, Ron DeSantis vs Public Libraries, Pointless Scoring System, Mark Cuban the BeatBox Guy, Slap The Bag 2.0, Slippery Stairs, Don't Piss Off Gwen, Most Likely to Drink On Set

Ok, we get it. Maybe we can't just climb into an aquarium and expect to automatically win a bunch of random chance games against some fish. But what if we make ourselves really tiny first? And what if one of us is scuba certified? And what if we get an octopus involved? It probably still wont work, yeah, WE KNOW. At least eating the other contestants isn't explicitly off the table this time. Zach is tickled by the idea of a fish naming another fish, Jared reminds everyone that he is scuba certified, and Adam can't imagine Godzilla running. Talking Points Include: All Hail The King, Godzilla Plus One, Getting Called Out Via Mail, A Televised Screen Saver, Mr. Limpet's Diplomatic Immunity, Dexterous Lips, Feeding Frenzy Friday, A Reverse Shawshank, Two Little Jareds

We love the Queer Eye guys. The things they do to change peoples' lives for the better is pretty great. But if you ask us, it's time for a change. This time, the strong man, the bearded lady, the lion tamer, the clowns, and the ring leader are coming to town. They're here to tell you that you have a gross body and shoot you out of a cannon. All things just keep getting better! Zach is afraid of corn specifically, Jared would pay money to see Joe Biden get shot out of a cannon, and Adam is certified to operate heavy machinery. Talking Points Include: Forklift Certification, Corn of the Corn, Fish Center, A Severe Lack of Fluff, Anti-Host, True False or Something Else, Fixing the Winter Warlock's Gross Body, The Yassification of William H Basset

Shaquille O'Neal is a man who thinks highly of himself. So much so that he created a television show dedicated to him challenging the world's best individuals in every field to competitions in their area of expertise. He rarely, if ever emerges victorious, but we still think he needs to be knocked down a peg or two. Watch out Shaq, The Professional Contestants are about to give you a taste of your own medicine. Zach will beat Shaq in an acting competition, Jared will beat Shaq in a graduate school competetion, and Adam will beat Shaq in a DJing competition. Talking Points Include: Inside Inside The NBA, St. Patricks Plans, Corned Beef Confusion, Tough Love, EDM Subgenres, The Crimes of Penn Jillette, An Educational Program, Channeling Shaq Energy, Roku Game Genie, A State Farm Identity Crisis

When it comes to music trivia, it's safe to say we know a thing or two, and we know more than just current pop music. For example, did you know that way back when the pop charts first started, the first song to top two charts simultaniously was the mega hit "Banging Hot Rocks?" It was number one on both Cave Man Hits and Top Iguana Tracks. The more you know, huh? Zach has never seen a Minion, Jared knows more than one Chumbawamba song, and Adam knowingly burned a CD full of bad songs. Talking Points Include: The Future of Young Sheldon, Gru Is The Dad, One Big Tom Sawyer, Rock Smash, Randy Jackson and The Doofuses, DJ Charles Xavier, Iguana, Beating Mario Twice, Chumbas Drink Free, Bangin Hot Rocks

We here at Professional Contestants aren't exactly what you would call entrepreneurs. We don't claim to be amazing at identifying products with potential and investing in them. But if we have learned anything from reality tv show judges like Mark Cuban, Simon Cowell, and Gordon Ramsay, it's that being mean to the person presenting to us will definitely get us somewhere. Good thing this game show is much more like a realilty show than it is like actual investing. Zach made a globally recognised NCAA PowerPoint, Jared is your go to guy to take a dive, and Adam used to be super into infomercials. Talking Points Include: Talking Points Include: The Big Long Most Dangerous Game, Podcast Betting, NFL Field Day, Tarzan F*** Tarzan, Our Best Risky Buys, Aspirational Eggs, Mark Cuban Tooth Necklace, It's Mean But It Works

If you had to convince someone that you were an expert in something, what would it be? Something broad like "musicians?" Maybe something very specific like "Celebrities on The Simpsons?" What about something unapproachable like "The Golden Age of The Ottoman Empire?"All good ideas, but our tastes lay more along the lines of "That Witch Who Cursed Me and Turned Me Into a Frog." Will you kiss us and make us a prince? Zach is an expert in Magnum, P.I., Jared is an expert in The New Deal, and Adam is an expert in Spongebob Characters. Talking Points Include: New Year Resolutions, SkyHook Revisited, Oink Yoinkers, What Are Nails, An Expert In Kicking Your Ass, Weaponized Double Entendre, What's In My Pocket, Not While I'm Pouring