Professional Contestants

When you can’t decide whether your best potential Mini-Game Sensei is a circus performer or a hibachi chef, you put those hands together and take it on a worldwide tour. With 190+ possible challenges to face, The Contestants are searching for whoever can best prepare them for the ridiculous gauntlet of household items that stands between them and the finish line of Minute to Win It.  Zach insists that eggs are comparable to babies, Jared doesn’t know how to feel about Steve-O, and Adam brings back a favorite ‘real of fake’ game segment. Talking Points Include: Audio Resumes, The Masked Singer Watch, Real Life Mario Party, Gameplay Ratio, Truthies and Falsies Mini-Game Edition, Sensei Shopping, Amish Tortillas, Joining the Circus, Touring With Hibachi

Happy Smoochie Week everyone! To celebrate we are discussing the most famous matchmaking game show of all time. Except now there are six potential matches who perform physical challenges. Also it takes place in a stadium. And everyone is dressed up like Pokemon. Wait, what was this show originally? Oh, that's right! The Contestants are giving a modern punch up to The Dating Game. Zach doesn't know how Tinder works, Jared is really into Gengar, and Adam accidentally pitches a killery app. Talking Points Include: Iditarod Hype, The Masked Singer Watch, Smoochie Week, The Dating Game Killer, Boy Stadium 64, Pokemon Type Dating Profiles, Loving on Gengar, Big Purple Attraction, Dangerous Swim Class Games, Personalized Pokemon Dates

We here at Professional Contestants, inc. are no strangers to dicey situations, but even we are having a little trepidation with forming a plan that will land us a baby for a teammate. Buuuuuttt... if a baby just happens to show up to the game show set at the same time as us, it's not our fault if everyone assumes its ours. With Jack Daniels and Reba on their side, there's nothing to stop these three men and a baby from winning Bet On Your Baby. Zach loves Reba, Jared loves Reba, and Adam loves Reba. Talking Points Include: Polar Vortex, The Masked Singer Watch, Reba Appreciation, COME ON BABY, Baby Clone Trooper, Baby Reba, Baby Geniuses, Finding a Bad Baby, Pink Fong Whiskey Trap

Is it Boyz II Men? Is it Destiny's Child? Is it Billy Joel and his three throats? No one can know for sure when the Magic 8 Ball takes the stage! The Contestants are continuing their campaign to become more prominent in the public eye as they take on the brand new game show, The Masked Singer. Zach is a sexy mug, Jared is a sexy Joel McHale, and Adam is a sexy crab. Talking Points Include: Zach's Painful Ground Pound, Differing Opinions on Quality, Problematic Judges, Emperor's New Clothes, Varying Sexy, Boyz II Men Teapot, Beauty and The Ken Jeong, Billys Joels, How We Beat Shaq

As we all know, having a good role model in life is essential when striving to become a Cool Dood, and when it comes to celebrities, there is no exception. But when there are so many Cool Doods out there, how can we ever be sure that everyone has been matched up with the right mentors? Enter The Contestants, who have solved this issue with one enormous awards show event! It is purely for the improvement of Hollywood’s up and coming Cool Doods. I promise it has nothing to do with the fact that Match Game is taping the same night. For real, stop asking. Zach returns to the random celebrity generator, Jared is prepared to face difficulty head on, and Adam plays a celebrity mentorship matchmaker. Talking Points Include: Jared’s Big Coat, Poo Horse, This Elevator Has No Shame, Neil Degrassi Tyson, Return of Our Enemies, Seniors’ Choice Awards, Big Doodie Little Doodie, A Walk Down Enemy Lane

March, 2007. I’m on a boat. My mom? Well my mom’s on a slide in the Play Place at the McDonalds in Vancouver, Canada. No, this doesn’t really have anything to do with the episode, but it sure was intriguing, wasn’t it?!?! The Contestants are actually taking a more serious turn this week to try to build a more prominent reputation in the Chicago celebrity community. We’re going to bring our resolutions to fruition as we build a plan to win the NPR news based quiz show, Wait Wait… Don’t Tell Me! Zach writes the first line of a new short novel, Jared gets a hip new nickname, and Adam gets everyone to say the wrong announcer’s name for the entire second half of the episode. Talking Points Include: Reviewing Our Resolutions, Chicago Celebrities, Hot and Horny NPR, The Rock Soundboard, Happy News Year, New Cool Voices, Brown Line Boys, Jazzy J Bungaloo, Sneaky Self Promotion

It is always darkest before the dawn. All steel must be forged in fire. And all game show hosts must suffer through really crappy game shows before they earn a place in Price is Right Nirvana. But don’t worry 2007 Drew Carey, the ProCo Boys are here to cheer you on. And exploit your struggle just a little bit. Zach roasts our friend Drew, Jared tries to celebrate an anniversary, and Adam wants to know what a “good” trap is. Talking Points: An Anniversary (Kind Of), The Best and the Worst, All Kinds of Cancelled, A Fetus?, Carey Me Home, She Love Ivan, The Most Average Prize, What Q’s Drew Wants to Know, Buy Stock in Denny’s

When the world’s greatest detective is the one who is murdered, who is left to discover the culprit? Probably the other two world’s greatest detectives who showed up with them. The Contestants are daring to walk away from Ellen Degeneres’ new game show not only with the top money prize, but also with the new title of Masters of Pranks. We are bringing murder mystery to Ellen’s Game of Games. Zach is McGruff the Crime Dog, Jared is Hercule Poirot, and Adam is Nancy Drew. Talking Points Include: Energy Man, Cryptic Santa, Prank Or Gaslight, Pranking the Prank Master, Ellen’s Best Friends, Candy Bar Bribery, Ellen The Generous, The World’s Greatest Detectives

Happy Holidays All! The Contestants are getting into the holiday spirit, and for us that means adopting a sloth son and planning a wedding at the zoo. Join us in our holiday festivities and watch us win The Great Christmas Light Fight if you would like. Just be cool and don’t ruin the animal atmosphere by being a stupid human. Zach fills out various forms, Jared ponders sloth kisses, and Adam learns some bad news about Koko. Talking Points Include: The Night Before Christmas, Winter Solstice, Horny for Christmas, Bill’s Peaceful Rest, The Santa Box, Destructive Children, The Zoo Application, Adopting a Son, Zoo Break, Mid Episode Mail, Wedding Planning, Progressive Parenting, Koko’s B Sides

So lets be honest, do any of us really know whats going on up in Alaska or Canada’s Northwest Territories? To us, it sounds like the perfect place to launch a career as Ice Pirates. The Contestants are courageously becoming seasonal route truck drivers with the goal of gaining eternal infamy and cementing their legacy in the dangerous world of Ice Road Truckers. Zach’s going to be in a hot air balloon, Jared’s going to be in a submarine, Adam’s going to be in a truck. Talking Points Include: Finally Funny, The Newly Appointed Comedy Boy, Heavy Loads, Return of the Buck Truck, Hot Air in a Blizzard, Medium Sized Submarine, Load Pirates, Poo Dollar

The Right Honorable Earls Professional Contestants are now present, and they’re about to bake you some Chocolate Pizza that will blow your mind! The Contestants are about to jump into a British baking show with an American title with the goal of becoming American citizens with British titles. Step aside you Brits! We’re taking back The Great American Baking Show! Zach develops a foolproof baking catch-all, Jared drops some hot salad tips, and Adam really tries to push Electric Sleighs. Talking Points Include: Sleigh Talk, Master Bakers, John Paul Bones Jones Bon Jovi, Sloppy Jolene, British Royal Titles, Chocolate Pizza, Citizen Fieri, Hollywood’s Halls of Hot Dogs

I know no way of judging the future but by the past… and in our case the past consists of disclosing your darkest personality flaws for national television and the Springer audience. The Contestants are here re-haul Earth’s global governing system so that it takes on the format of Jerry’s ‘sexy secret revealing’ game show, Baggage. Zach needs sandwich breaks, Jared wants to class up the place, and Adam cannot resist Hulk Hogan’s sexual energy. Talking Points Include: Energy Masked Suitcase, Dr. Pepper Basement, Ghost Sex, Stone Em’, Adult Film Awards, The Greatest American Hero, Child Napoleon, Sexy United Nations, France’s Terrible Oranges, Supreme Court Springer

Desperate times call for desperate measures, and in a world where a man’s word is more important than almost anything else, sacrifices must be made to preserve what little canon has already been established in 43 short episodes. This week, The Contestants find no other option than to stare down the barrel of Franks n’ Beans and Creamed Corn in order to stomach the nauseating game show, Hurl! Zach is dependent on arugula, Jared takes one for the team when forced to confront his established super power, and Adam puts a friend of the show on blast in order to form a plan. Talking Points Include: A Sad Story, Sudden Barf, Diarrhea Strats, Ripley’s Choice, World’s Best Job, Professional Eaters’ League, Eat Magic, Intestinal Support Dog, No More Showers, The Bear Affair

The puzzle board has started making lewd references and Pat Sajak directed a knowing wink at the camera. This can only mean one thing… Nasty Week has begun! But is this good news for The Contestants? Listen to find out as previously undiscovered areas are revealed in Wheel of Fortune! Zach would like to buy an owl, Jared can’t remember the name Vanna, and Adam knows a real life Wheel of Fortune contestant. Talking Points Include: Buying an Owl, Sajak No Swiping, Banana White, Game Show Host Wage Gap, Contract Law, Designated Spinners, Framing a Murder, Penis Town USA, Ouija Wheel, Merv Griffin’s Ghost

What’s in the box? It can be anything you want. It is simultaneously everything, and yet nothing. And if you vote for The Contestants in the California gubernatorial recall election that we all know is coming, you may just find out what’s inside… that is as soon as we make off with the winnings from Who Wants to be Governor of California: The Debating Game. Zach pictures a cardboard box, Jared pictures an ornate box, and Adam pictures a shipping box. Talking Points Include: County Executive Beetle, California’s Wild 2003 Gubernatorial Recall Election, Tax Deductible Lap Dances, Accidental Governors, Finding A Schtick, Mayor Eastwood, The Dank Meme Party, Box Jealousy, Box Brad Pitt, Being in the Box, Coming Out of the Box

Lets start this just by saying that we’re sorry. Not only has this episode come to you a day late, but The Contestants are stepping up to, without a doubt, the worst game show they’ve confronted to date. They are going to have to have some calm nerves, a lot of turkey, and inspiration from a classic film in order to make it through The Moment of Truth. Zach creates the very serious word “smig”, Jared is not Dracula, and Adam is concerned about being considered slippery. Talking Points Include: Ghost Intimacy, Mail Song Competition, Actual Ass, Maury Game Show, Government Intervention, Cheating a Polygraph, Slippy Bois, Employing Dracula, Turkey Coma, Library Ventriloquism

Happy Snake Day! As we reach the end of the Snake With Big Teeth season, there is only one horror game (show) that is insane enough to be worthy of sending off our favorite holiday. The Contestants are looking to inspire a change of heart in the trap man himself as we take on the 2004 cult classic, Saw. Zach is dedicated to cleaning the bathroom, Jared does a great impression of waking up in a dirty bathroom, and Adam insists that The Winter Warlock is pertinent to the current situation. Talking Points Include: Snake Day Celebrations, Dirty Dirty Bathrooms, Insomnia Bin Laden, Return of Three Sweet Boys, Huffy Trikes, Laser Tooth, Winter Warlock Arthritis, One Star Airbnb, The Suit of Armor, Escape Room Bonding, Free Form Bit Time

They say that the enemy of our enemy is our friend. But what if the enemy of our enemy is also our enemy? And what if those two enemies are The Cryptkeeper and a bunch of 90’s kids? The Contestants are dealing with some tough decisions as they try to make heads or tails of the confusing Saturday morning game show, Secrets of the Cryptkeeper’s Haunted House. Zach Just wants to have fun, Jared struggles to keep Elroy in the box, and Adam is convinced The Cryptkeeper is a Sith Lord. Talking Points Include: Snake Day Costumes, 1990’s CGI, Eggle, The Cryptkeeper’s Relationship Status, And Old School Classic Best Buy Sith Lord Situation, Egg Delivery, Universal Studios Stand Your Ground Laws, Elroy, Bad Secrets, Extreme Makeover: Haunted House Edition

Sauce: The Universal Tool. Listen as The Contestants employ the use of sauce by any definition to pull a Parent Trap and ultimately emerge victorious on the anxiety ridden gross out game show Fear Factor. Zach blacks out and rants about G. Gordon Liddy, Jared reveals his early game show experience, and Adam makes some extreme sweet and sour claims. Talking Points Include: Thriller Tech, The Candy Man, Kid Rodney, The G. Gordon Liddy Saga, Sweet and Sour Allegations, Naked Hot Wings, Sauce Sabotage, Catfishing Luda

As ProCo’s A Snake With Big Teeth Month™ continues, The Contestants find themselves drawing inspiration from a classic video game to devise a contraption capable of sifting through unpleasantness and targeting some filthy money. Three vacuums, three boys, and one real big set of clothes are about to take on Estate of Panic. Adam is ass, Jared is left arm, Zach is everything else. Talking Points Include: A Snake With Big Teeth, Trashy Easter Egg Hunt, Crotch Money, Lots of Pockets, Our Weaknesses, The Three Vacuum Strat, Luigi Tech, Edward Vacuum Hands, Fake Money, Transformer Apartment, Ass Vacuum