Professional Contestants

Ah, shoot. Professional assassin Scaramanga tied James Bond up to a death trap and has absolutely RUINED the communal entertainment space on his condo’s roof. The HOA warned him about this behavior, and now Scaramanga has a PERMANENT BAN from the building. He’s out of luck, but three idiots need help winning a roof-based game show: and they’re willing to cut a deal.   Zach prank calls his dad, Jared wants to get on a super villain's good side, and Adam celebrates a Transformers/WWE crossover. Talking Points Include: Zach’s Incredible Couch and Golf Story, How Taft Became President, The Greatest Show Men,  FEED ME GRITS, No More Jafar Jokes Allowed, The HOA Ruins Everything, Mama Mia Tailgate Party, What’s in it for Scaramanga?

You cannot win Saw III. You can barely WATCH Saw III. Hopefully, you can listen to us hate Saw III. Zach hates Saw III, Jared hates Saw III, and Adam hates Saw III. Talking Points Include:  What else can you make with Tom Riddle’s name?, The Worst Tradition, They Keep Doing It, Birthday World, Micheal Jackson vs. Paul Revere,  America’s Funniest Home Traps, Jigsaw Didn’t Say “Kill Me”, Trap Talk

There’s no time to explain. Plug in your headphones and download this episode, because if you don’t we DON’T KNOW what will happen to Donny Osmond. We can’t take this risk.  Zach knows a lot of Sean Astin movies, Jared has never seen Rudy, and Adam doesn’t know any Sean Astin movies.  Talking Points:  555-AMERICAN-IDOL, Flavortown Abbey, Repent Food Sinners, Death to the King of Vegas, All Aboard the Teller Train, Maybe Do a Rudy?

We’re not going to lie: this might be the scariest game show we’ve done yet, and not for the reasons you’d think. No ghosts, no serial killers, no buckets of blood. Just the actor who played Urkel and a pitch black room. Your chances of being murdered? Zero. The chances of you licking blue cheese off a naked dude’s body? 100 percent.  Zach learns a new meme, Jared wants to be Bane, and Adam pitches a Sonic the Hedgehog/Family Matters crossover episode.  Talking Points Include: Mouth Sounds, The Nighttime Nasty Man, The Dog Hole, Family Sonic, Smell or Hear?,  Bane Impressions (I Guess)

It’s time to Snake, Rattle and Roll everybody! It’s Snake With Big Teeth Month, and that means it’s time for us to scour the bowels of the Internet for the scariest game shows out there. And while a snake with big teeth is maybe the fifth(?) scariest thing imaginable in the world right now, The Contestants are here to do what we do best: intimidate the production crew of game shows with our karate moves. Zach angers the Haunted House Workers demographic, Jared revisits his favorite rules, and Adam is comfortable sharing a small room with Brock Lesnar. Talking Points Include: Snake & Rattle & Roll, Jonathan Price is Late for Breakfast, Final Call for Chainsaw, Jared Smith’s Haunted House Rules, A Hot Room with Brock Lesnar,  The Feared Als, Sean’s Gotta Eat

DO NOT BE ALARMED. No one is eating any human bones of any sort. We’re just practicing our monologues for the Big Dinosaur Auditions coming up. The future of entertainment is Dino, and the Contestants are ready to be stars. WARNING: there are spoilers for the Dinotopia miniseries that came out 18 years ago.  Zach does a fat dino, Jared can’t do a dino, Adam is upset that his dinosaur is a nerd.  Talking Points Include: A Gremlin Took It,  Lost Episode, “Breakout” Role, Deckers Do A Dino, “Let’s Go Eat Some Human Bones”,  America is Ready for a Dinotopia Reboot

ABC, you miscalculated big-time. You thought making adults dress up in diapers and bonnets would be embarrassing, but these three full-grown man babies have captured America’s heart. And whether you like it or not: we’re the babies, gotta love us. Zach punches up some reality shows, Jared pines for good playground equipment, and Adam is well aware of Wario’s strength. Talking Points Include: Badlands Chugs, Feeling Icky?, We’re All Babies In The Real World, Kardashian Kart, Wario Ware Game Show, Baby Like Money?, Wario is Capable of Anything, Elon Musk is Real Life Wario

Think: when was the last time you washed a quarter? If your answer was anything other than “never”, you’re a liar. Those things are filthy grubby germ houses, and these cash-strapped boys can’t wait to clean (and steal) 4 million of them. Zach names a book, Jared rails against the high price of babies, and Adam reprises his greatest role. Talking Points Include: Shellebration, Honey Roasted HALO, We Bought a House, Netflix Bringing the Heat, Abolish Baby Rent, Mr. Bundles’ Dirty Quarters, Danny Ocean Style Heist, Seriously These are Dirty Quarters

My Children, it is time. Please turn your news papers to the funny pages, and I will speak aloud the word of Ziggy: “Life may be a game, but only you can decide if it’s Risk or Trivia Pursuit.” Go in peace. Zach finds the perfect gift for Bob Barker, Jared attacks Pig Pen, and Adam defends horny toads. Talking Points Include: Mr. Magnum At Your Service, Entirely Too Much Kissing, DJ Pig Pen, Old Bad Newspaper Cartoons, Praise Be to Ziggy

And I said “When I needed you most, you left me.” "My precious child, I love you and will never leave you. Never, ever, during your trials and testings. But When you saw only one set of footprints, it was because I jumped over your punk-ass and dunked on you from the half court line. Get your defense together, my child.” Zach advocates for Jeff Foxworthy’s editing skills, Jared makes a bad salt joke, and Adam compares the podcast to the Bible. Talking Points Include: Maybe Seals?, My Room Mate Would Love This, Pacing Sins, Creative Cloud: Your Forever Friend, Punch-Up the Jeff, Jesus is a Fox Main, Let the Lord Dunk on You, Digimon is Bible Now, No Aslan Jokes Here

The scientists at IBM are baffled: they don’t know how their Jeopardy computer got arms and legs, but Watson got up and left on it’s own accord. That cube hopped on a bus and won’t stop until it finds what it’s looking for: love. And/Or cash. Zach investigates a president, Jared distrusts game show hosts, and Adam advocates for a funny little dance. Talking Points Include: Boy George Washington, Pope Slap, The Most Smartest People in the World, Give This Cube Some Arms

When dealing with a group of impractical grown men who refer to themselves as jokers, the logical strategy is to be extremely practical bat men. The problem is none of us are actually that similar to Batman. But if we pool our characteristics! Together we can combine to maybe kinda almost be close to a single Batman. We'll make Alf our butler too. I mean, we're pretty close, right? Zach defends Jackass, Jared wants pranks to be abolished, and Adam tries to update the Ten Commandments. Talking Points Include: Fun for the Whole Family, Characters Welcome, Unavoidable Jokers, Alf the Butler, Preventing Mild Inconveniences, The Ten Egg Commandments, Prank Consent

"We aren’t, as human beings, very good at acting in our best interest.” – Malcolm Gladwell, discussing his friendship with Bigfoot. Look, are you still expecting the title to make sense? This episode is good, trust me. Zach misses an article, Jared thinks about Bigfoot, and Adam finds a new name for the podcast. Talking Points Include: Moved a House, Scary Campers, Celebrity Bigfoot, Peter Rabbit’s Carrot Slide, Betrayed by Malcolm, Bigfoot vs. Vader

Pro basketball is going to be pretty different this year, and we don't think anyone is gonna like it. Sure, the season is starting up again, but wouldn't it be so much more fun if all the NBA players just had a field day? Some friendly competition in events other than basketball is just what we all need! Also, just please don't ask about Goofy. He is supposed to stay in the basement. Zach wants to make his own Miami Vice, Jared insists that churros are the answer, and Adam is uncomfortable with Goofy's drug habits. Talking Points Include: NBA Bubble, Field Day, No Coaches Allowed, New Miami Vice, Trojan Horse Validity, Solo Spin the Bottle, Juni the Lover

For years kids have been told not to talk to strangers, but we now live in the PostYouTube Era. Kids are bolder than ever and we'd appreciate it if they would just leave us alone. So kids, PLEASE don't talk to us adults. We don't want to be a part of your schemes. Well, except for Jim Carrey of course. That dude is down for anything. Zach relies on children for YouTube tutorials, Jared argues that attractive people can get others to do pretty much anything, and Adam is down to get slimed. Talking Points Include: E-mail Déjà Vu, World McDonald's, YouTube Children, Inconveniencing Strangers, Hiring a Temp, Finding a Yes Man, Terrifying Kid Interactions

Welcome to the newly sovereign nation of Splatalot! You can only be here for one of two reasons. Either you are a child here to challenge our king, or you are trying to get us to return this land to the Canadian government. Either way, this is Gildar. He is going to fight you. Zach believes he has found the perfect game show, Jared is keen on inciting a revolution, and Adam searches for a b-list celebrity to be his dad. Talking Points Include: A Failed Intro, Swedish Chef's Children, No Prizes for Kids, Defender Relationships, Succeeding From Canada, GilDaddy, Xiaolin Showdown, Proving We're Cool, Getting Famous Parents

Greetings, young Padawan! Three rules, the Jedi have. DON’T hit Mom with your laser sword. DON’T fall to the Dark Side. DON’T hit Dad with your laser sword.* *It’s okay to hit Dad with your laser sword. Zach defends the Phantom Menace, Jared defends smoking, and Adam is unsure on whom to chop. Talking Points Include: Everybody Gets a Star War, Return of The Summer of Summers, Kids' Prizes, Becoming Cool Evil Ambassadors, Dark Side Make Over, Jedi Signing Day, Smoking is Cool

Too many of today's celebrities think they are hot stuff and can just create a game show. On top of that, some of them think they are real funny and make jokes about the contestants on their game show. Luckily, the world's three foremost experts on game shows are here to knock those celebs down a peg. Catch us and our big stoic rock on Thursday nights on ABC getting hurt and bawling for minutes at a time. That'll teach Ryan Reynolds a lesson in trying to be funny. Zach plans to yell obscenities at Deadpool, Jared insists that spicy food is torture, and Adam has a lot of favorite rocks. Talking Points Include: Expanding Our Market, Enjoy The World Tonight, The Great Spicy Torture Debate, Celebrity Summer Camp, Our Favorite Rocks, The Working Class, Replacing Mount Rushmore, Eliminating The Fun, Lots of Crying

Gods. Kings. A labyrinth. A Minotaur. Lots of cheese. Bank loans. Teddy Ruxpin. A mouse named Algernon? Ok, we definitely lost the plot somewhere in there, but just focus on this. With these highly trained sniffers, we can certainly navigate a maze if there's a big stash of cheese at the end. Now if we can just make that cheese as valuable as gold we'll be filthy rich! Zach flexes his knowledge about mazes in pop culture, Jared tests his memory on Greek mythology, and Adam doesn't know how banks work. Talking Points Include: Underwear Etiquette, Scrooge's Nighttime Visitors, Dolly-Lama-Wood, Adding a Minotaur, Mazes v Labyrinths, Mythic Allegories, Cheese Money, The Liquid Gold Standard, The Trojan Dairy War, Jarry Ruxpin

Our covers have been blown wide open. We're caught behind enemy lines. It turns out that we were all hired by the same employer and set up for failure. So... there is only one logical thing left for us to do. We're going to steal Anderson Cooper's identity and vote him off of his own game show as revenge for giving us expired Chili's gift cards. Zach doesn't want to be a mole at all, Jared wants to be a mole for Anderson, and Adam wants to be a literal mole. Talking Points Include: Snoopy Theme Park, Wild Challenges, Actual Mole Man, Fun Meters to Full, Befriending Anderson, Becoming Anderson, Betraying Anderson, A Triple Mole Situation