Professional Contestants

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am pleased to inform you that we have conceptualized the funniest possible video. It involves a limo driving lion and Joe Pesci with a cast on his nuts and I DARE you to find something funnier. Step aside AFV, The Contestants are coming for the funny home video throne with their reimagined take on Animal Crack-Ups. Zach thinks mild pain is funny, Jared thinks big things are funny, and Adam thinks unexpected things are funny. Talking Points Include: What We're Thankful For, Villain Themes, Thicke Talk, VR Chilling with The Rock, Cat Vids, A History of Nut Kickers, Whale Humor, Jurassic Park's Missed Opportunity, Limo Lion, Airplane Chicken

It's Friday night. You're at the arcade. For some reason, one particular cabinet calls to you. You pop in a couple of quarters and the game begins, but you are unable to play due to how stunned you are by the attractiveness of the game's protagonist. A VERY sexy lunchbox. You game over, having never moved, and yet you pop in two more quarters just to get another look at, I cannot stress this enough, A VERY SEXY LUNCHBOX. Don't ask how, but this lunchbox's power is about to make us champions of Starcade! Zach invents a paperclip game, Jared invents a lunchbox game, and Adam invents a jack-o'-lantern game. Talking Points Include: Why We Do Cold Opens, Curl Bits, Petite Pac-Man, Nonexistent Episodes, Mario's Butt, Cheat Codes, Stalin's Ghost's Literature, Michael Jordan's 58008 Secret, Creating Bad Arcade Games, The Donkey Kong Lineage

Things we know about MasterChef: Gordon Ramsay is mean, you've gotta cook real good, the title of MasterChef doesn't really hold any clout. Things we know about Halo: Bill Gates created it, there's a bunch of space tech and aliens, Master Chief sounds kinda like Master Chef. Logically, we're gonna put those hands together. MasterChef better watch out, cause it's about to smell what The Chief is cookin'. Zach knows nothing about Halo, Jared knows nothing about Halo, and Adam knows a little bit about Halo. Talking Points Include: Grandma's Exotic Meats, Gordon Shows, RuneScape Capes, Bill's Bathtub Buddha Time, Master Chef Fraud, Sonic x Frodo, Master Chief's Eating Habits, Cooking with Space Tech, Pitbull's Space Party, A Permanent Life as The Chief

Perhaps the reason we don't see many modern day prophets is because it can be difficult to know when a higher power is talking to you. That being said, Justin Timberlake certainly noticed when God told him to build a four story roulette wheel for a new Fox game show. I mean, there is really no other explanation for why they would produce a tv program where you watch a wheel spin for an hour. The Contestants are looking to get the attention of this new holy prophet to secure a spot on Spin the Wheel. Zach gets invested in volcanoes, Jared believes The Wheel may be a god, and Adam discovers recent life in a childhood magazine. Talking Points Include: Quintessential Halloween Movie, The John Stamos Video Puzzle, Identical Game Shows, A Wheel Based Religion, The Good Prophet Justin Timberlake, "Cool God," Scouts In Action, Boys' Life Podcast, Finding Our Good Deed, Kickstarting A Volcano

Come one, come all, to Jigsaw's team building retreat, where you're guaranteed to either grow closer to your co-workers through collaboration and shared trauma, or die trying! Just make sure you get out quickly, or Donnie Wahlberg might burst in and beat you up. On this Snake Day 2019, we continue our journey through the scariest game show of all time and once again face our nemesis Jigsaw in the next installment of the Saw franchise. Zach is gonna get a hair trap, Jared is gonna get a bread trap, and Adam is gonna get a coffee trap. Talking Points Include: Snake Day Celebrations, Ending Spooky Stigmas, Jigsaw's Credibility, Bop It Origins, Grandma Punching, Shabooya Role Call, Don't Mess Up Blue Bloods, Spooky Apprentice, Life Saving Wood Plank, Donnie Wahlberg vs Old Man

Listen folks, some game shows are just nothing, and Syfy's Exit might as well not have existed. However, no matter what we think of it (or if it even qualifies as "scary",) we here at ProCo Inc. gotta catch em' all. But that doesn't mean we have to actually participate in Exit, per se. Sometimes all we have to do is kidnap a famous magician and make him sing to us naked. Don't @ us. Zach is frightened by Facebook events, Jared's money is tied up in pendulums, and Adam is reluctant to kidnap comedy magician Teller. Talking Points Include: Chili Talk, Bingo Spoils, Fake TV Death, A Curious Killer, Personalized Spooky Rooms, Forced Masterclass, Snowden's Secrets, Stabbing Knife vs Cooking Knife, Everyday Fears, Impromptu TED Talk, Teller in Hell

Knives, snakes, clowns, and spiders. Things that we can all agree are generally pretty scary. Old ladies, dapper clothes, race cars, and DJ booths. Things that we can all agree are pretty dang cool. Now put those hands together and we're dealing with the most interesting fraternity anyone's ever witnessed. And with this cool new Greek life on the set of 13: Fear Is Real, there's no way The Mastermind can convince us to do any of his scary challenges! Zach improves a clown by adding a race car, Jared improves an old lady by adding knives, and Adam improves a snake by adding a top hat. Talking Points Include: Cold Open Lightning Round, Masked Singer Watch, Lady MacGlove, Fart Hazing, Three Little Creepies, Old Lady Knife Hands, Dapper Snake, Race Car Clown, DJ Spider, The Greatest Party Ever, Cleaning Up After Ourselves

BOO! Are you scared? Good, because the spooky season has returned to us! No, not the one that everyone celebrates that starts with an H. We are of course talking about Snake With Big Teeth Month! Join us as we face off against the scariest game shows that television has to offer. This week, however, television barely has a game show to offer us, let alone anything scary. Nonetheless, we are checking one more off the list as we rob Panic Button of its most precious resource, snakes. Zach ponders Captain Hook's age, Jared wants to fit in with the other snake owners, and Adam hopes for empathetic monkeys. Talking Points Include: Snake With Big Teeth, Appropriate Costumes, Prizeless and Winless, Snakes in Bulk, Florida Pythons, Our Ideal Snakes, Snake Garters, "Real" Fears, Captain Hook v Jesus, Monkey v Snake, Just Taking The Snakes

Sometimes your favorite team of professional game show contestants have to leave their homes (and audio equipment) for prolonged periods of time to visit other states. This happened to be the case for all three of them during the last two weeks. But lucky you! Despite our inability to record, you are still getting a ProCo clip episode featuring some of our best bits from some of our earliest schemes. Zach was out of town for two weeks, Jared was out of town for four days, and Adam was out of town for three days. Talking Points Include: Chopped, Guy's Grocery Games, Wipeout, Beat Shazam, Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader, The Joker's Wild, 1 vs 100, Pyramid, Hole In The Wall, Merv Griffin's Crosswords, Cram, Double Dare, What Would You Do

We're about to get into some dicey legal territory here, and we know it. When taking on an enemy that serves nothing but low blows, sometimes you have to stoop to its level. But if we have to border on breaking the law, we better make sure we bring along an expert. The Contestants are teaming up with The King of Entrapment to take down the steaming pile of garbage known as Repo Games. Zach knows what extortion is, Jared has a story about tree law, and Adam suggests the inclusion of a master trickster. Talking Points Include: The Year's Scariest Things, Mr. Jack's Pumpkin Ball, A Very Bad Game Show, Repo The Repo, Getting Away With Entrapment, Chris Hansen's Many Tricks, The Bank of His Chransen, Most Desirable Crimes, Tree Law

When a time comes where employees feel that they are being treated unfairly by their employer, these individuals have the right to cause work stoppage via a refusal to work. It is a time honored practice that has existed for centuries, and what we have proposed is no different. Except for the laborer is ham and the employer is a bad game show. Make sure you're stocked up because The Contestants are marching on The Capitol and no one is getting ham until we fix some serious issues with Supermarket Sweep! Zach is buying booze, Jared is buying drugs, and Adam is buying ham. Talking Points Include: Pumpkin v Apple, Mail Time, Fake Food, The Horrible Reboot, A Pro Juice Podcast, Marching On D.C., Help From Charlotte, Drifting Shopping Carts, Jason Statham as William Howard Taft, Drugs Booze and Ham

Gather around children, and the Professional Contestants will tell you the story of when Jesus and his disciples went on a game show and fed the entire crew with a single lox bagel. Is it a true story? Probably not. But if I were you I wouldn't punch the guy. Just in case. American Gladiators is our church, and if you don't Christ is down here playing Own The Bone you've got another guess coming! Zach is Derrick, Jared is Mr. Trumpet, and Adam is Nipz. Talking Points Include: NYC Bingo Revisited, Jimmy Fallon The Slime Man, Building Our Gladiators, Blue Man Hibachi, The Caesys, Sweeties Down Under, Interview Skills, Beefy Jeezy, Feeding Of The 5 Billion, Buff Judas

Disney has been pretty wild lately: Marvel this, Star Wars that, and live-action remakes all over the dang place. However, with all the new classic Disney movies becoming the new cannon we have good news: Jafar, the Scourge of Agrabah, is being punished in the afterlife for his many sins. The Bad News: he’s trying to get out, and his escape is the premise for our new game show. Zach explains trivia, Jared ascends, and Adam lists off some prime sins. Talking Points Include: Jared the TP Man, In a New York Bingo, Trivia Ain’t Trivial, Welcome to HELL, The Many Crimes of Jafar, For the Love of God Don’t Let Jafar Escape

Hello everyone, and thank you for coming to our startup presentation. The Problem: Teens have no way of getting themselves around before they get their license. The Solution: Storks. Babies have trusted Storks for centuries, and the rest of us need to get with the times. Introducing TNSTK. The Stork Share service for babies and teens alike. Oh, and also this is how we are going to win the game show Wait 'Til You Have Kids. Zach thinks dating an old lady is our best option, Jared gets spanked for the good of the team, and Adam comes prepared with a garbage quiz. Talking Points Include: A Game Show Check In, Parenting Expert Fraud, Opinionated Garbage, Do You Agree With This Old Woman, 90's Dads, Spank Date, Stork Share, Oval Teens, "Real Life" Child Scenarios

Wow. It seemed like yesterday America’s favorite boy was learning about science and cracking catch phrases all over the place. But now, we at the Professional Contestants are proud to celebrate TWENTY YEARS of the Smart Lad. Time really does fly huh? He’s all grown up now. Like, really grown. Hey, why is Young Sheldon 50 ft. tall? Zach knows nothing about Ant-Man, Jared knows too much about Ant-Man, and Adam is throwing a party in Joel McHale’s pants. Talking Points Include: Millionaire Birthday, Entirely Too Much Ant-Man Talk, There’s a Party in Joel’s Pants, Iron Maid-Ant, EGOT, Big Young Sheldon

So you can go ahead and congratulate us for winning Legends of the Hidden Temple. We've already done it. And though you may be wondering how we won a game show that only existed before two of us were born, the answer is actually quite simple: time travel. The Contestants are challenging the fabric of space and time itself in their great finale of this years Summer of Summers. Zach yearns for a yacht podcast, Jared brags about his proper astronomy education, and Adam tries his best to explain time travel theories he doesn't fully understand. Talking Points Include: Summer's End, Double-0-Yacht Talk, The Return of Jafar, Ninja Turtle Astronomy, WB Kids Cartoons, Time Travel Theories, The Comb of Albert Einstein, Empress Eugenie, DTTT, Fat Thor

Knock knock! Who's there? Why Cesar Millan of course, here to work his magic and train a problem dog. Wait, what's that? There's no dog? Just three dudes who are trying to learn how to make a dog like them? You bet! The Contestants are trying to get inside the mind of a dog and become more appealing to the host of the PBS game show Fetch! with Ruff Ruffman. Zach has experience in distributing fake points, Jared proposes a magical janitor swap, and Adam doesn't think he can learn anything from Cesar Millan. Talking Points Include: Yawn Deja Vu, Dog Jay Leno, Camp Points, Dumbledore Style, Lord Vulnerable, Becoming Good Boys, Mi Bisabuela, Human Whisperer, An Eleventh Hour Werewolf

When hunting a geographically gifted criminal mastermind, it can be near impossible to track her down, let alone predict where she is going next. But if we could lure her to us with Mike Ditka and a bottle of malort, now we're getting somewhere. The Contestants are after the world's most mobile thief who puts the Miss in misdemeanor as they take on Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego. Zach thinks Carmen Sandiego is a bird, Jared thinks Carmen Sandiego will want to steal the first hat, and Adam thinks Carmen Sandiego has the power of teleportation. Talking Points Include: Birthday Week, Ruff Housing, Rockapella, World's Best Henchmen, Wildest Thefts, Return to Shoe, The Most Chicago Things, Batman Galas, Malort Tracking Device

The days are long, the weather is hot, and the sun is high in the sky. As we breathe in that hot, humid air, there's only one that is on our mind. It's back! The Summer of Summers has returned to the Professional Contestants once again. In the search for this summer's honoree, we first find ourselves facing an iconic monolith in children's competition shows. No, not the Aggro Crag, I'm referring to Shaquille O'Neal. Come along as we fix all the problems with Nickelodeon Guts. Zach fears Reggie Miller's disappointment, Jared fears Lightning McQueen, and Adam fears his butt being shown on a jumbotron. Talking Points Include: Return of The Summer of Summers, Mark It Days, Host Appreciation, Ultimate Sports Fantasies, Pantsing Tom Brady, Sports Nightmares, Employing a Boggart, Stealing From Shaq

Many times in life you will find yourself in situations that seem overly unnecessary and stressful. You could either complain about it, or you could experience it to it's full potential and then use that experience later in life when Kenny G plays saxophone in your face while you're trying to golf. That's right, The Contestants are going on a journey of self discovery to prepare themselves for what's to come on Holey Moley. Zach defends the purpose of sports, Jared really dislikes golf, and Adam is hesitant to be naked on national TV. Talking Points Include: Freud Themed Party, Penis Limit, Hot Takes On Golf, The Purpose Of Sports, Git Gud, B.S. Biathlon, Becoming Zen, Darn Near Naked, Real World B.S. Experience